25 April 2012

In Praise of ALL of Your Breasts Are Special

I've got to say, I was disappointed by the two recent Good Men Project (who are usually really nice) articles about breasts. Not because I don't like breasts. Oh no! I'm not some kind of homoqueer! …Ladies! It's just, well, I generally prefer little ones but I've not actually read any F. Scott Fitzgerald. Worse, what's important to me is a sense of humour, which, heartbreakingly, correlates far more closely to large breasts.

I never chose this - to fancy one kind of personality type but not the type of tits that causes it. To want the world-renowned jollity of a fat person but also sophisticated a-list personalities. And the scary thing is - this isn't the first article I've seen about how small breasts make you a better/more fuckable human being. I'm pretty sure I'm nowhere near alone in my preferences, which means I'll have competition. But how can I ever compete! I've not read any F. Scott Fitzgerald, I'm rubbish at sports and didn't grow up as an athlete, and I'm frightened by the idea of an adventurous and daring life. I feel like I borrowed my dad's car and drove to Costco, but I left my wallet in my hotel room and the staff took £20 out of it because I didn't hide it in my pants. Do you understand what I’m saying?

This next bit's for other good men so any females reading, bear with me: I'm still a proper lad. Yeah so I don't fancy the usual kind of lad-mag fodder. But it's ok. I'm alright. I'm not crazy. No need to hate me or worry about me. I've got excuses. I mean, it's ok to like fat birds because they're better dancers, have sweater manatees and don't make you drive your dad's car to Costco in a triangle. Well surely then it's ok for me to like small tits, right? You can offset them for tight calves and skis and a muscular stomach and being a better dancer. I'm not completely toeing the party line, but my reasons for deviating are ideologically sound. No need to call me an arse-man. I'm just sensitive, and bitches love that! So if one of you could just leave a comment giving me permission to fancy non-standard women and still be a lad that'd be great and I could sleep easy.

Also for purely research purposes, if anyone could find the body type which correlates to reading Fanon, getting drunk in front of Question Time and laughing at dogs, ideally also being impressed by men who play the bass guitar and prattle incessantly about Zionism, that'd be great. Thanks.

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