05 November 2010

Nice Guys vs Creepy Guys

Saw a great text-your-mercifully-brief-opinion in the Evening Standard the other day. Went a little something like this:
Why do women react so badly if you try to start up a conversation on the train? We're not all creeps, some of us are really nice guys!
I love it. I think it's perfect. I like how the guy imagines "creep" is like a job or something. Or that creepy people are required by law to wear a dirty raincoat on public transport. And that creepy people never, ever, ever incorporate being nice to their prey into their creepy, creepy plans.

But he's hit on the major problem with the Nice Guy. Nice isn't a species. It's something you do, not something you are. Same with creepy. A Nice Guy is someone who habitually does, or is currently doing, nice things for other people. A creepy guy is someone who habitually acts, or is currently acting, in a sexually inappropriate way. A Creepy guy who's being genuinely nice is a Nice Guy. A Nice Guy who's being Nice in a creepy way is a Creepy Guy.

But I don't think it quite stops there. Notice in this guy's scenario, both Nice and Creepy Guys talk to an attractive women on public transport. Since the text didn't mention anything like "when I just fancy a chat about the weather", I'm going to assume both of them are chatting to her because they want to fuck her. Now, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with wanting to fuck someone, any more than there's anything intrinsically wrong with making inane chit-chat with strangers. But isn't it interesting how they're both doing the same thing?

So here's one Nice Guy's theory. Nice Guys and Creepy Guys seem different - a Creepy Guy leers all over you, and you can practically see the reflections of his perverse fantasies in the drool, while a Nice Guy is too timidly respectful to even hold suggestive eye-contact, let alone pluck up the courage to kiss you. But we're both symptoms of the same disease. We can't judge what will be an appropriate balance of sexual forwardness and basic respectful decency. We can't weigh up the woman, the place and the situation and decide what will be pervy and icky, and what will be effectively seductive enough for it not to matter. When we do judge it right, we've often overthought the fuck out of it, and it comes off either stilted or calculating - loserish or pervy, depending. We also ignore women's sexual desire for us. Either we highly doubt such a thing exists, or we treat it as existing solely for our gratification.

Of course, there's no clear dividing line - other than that happy, happy limbo where you do the right thing at the right time and have a passable love-life. Nice Guys become Creepy Guys and visa versa. Creepy Guys, I'm sure, draw the line somewhere, but no-one ever notices when they do because it means they just sit there and text the Evening Standard. With Nice Guys, it's a more observable process. At some point, drunk, despondent or disappointed with ourselves and our own timidity, we decide to be a bit more forward. We worry about being creepy, but, if we're drunk, despondent or disappointed enough, we think "fuck it, it's only other people" and go for it. Trouble is, we've only solved half of our problems. We might no longer be too timid, but we're still clueless. I've done it. I've done it more than once, and I'm really really Nice.

And this is where so many creeps and pervs come from. We start off respectful, timid, Nice. It doesn't work for us, because we don't know how to do human courtship and, probably, because we're thinking "God I'd like to have a girlfriend just once before I die" instead of about how the target will interpret our advances. Eventually, for a variety of reasons and general disappointment being just one, we try being forward. We overshoot. It's awful, and, worse still, it doesn't work any better. But, eventually, we have limited success. A smile, a kiss, an actual shag-plus-long-term-relationship. And when that's over, we've learned a valuable lesson: doing something is more effective than doing nothing. Going too far is more likely to make us happy than not going far enough. Creepiness. Works.

This is how patriarchy functions. There isn't a perv gene attached to the Y chromosome. Misogyny is perpetuated among men wherever erring on the side of respect for women is less effective than erring on the side of getting sex-objects naked. The fact is, where being a shit to women is in any way in men's interest, then when in doubt, we will tend towards it. Societal trends and power structures acting on an individual level. And yes, I am arguing that the Creepy Guy on the tube may just be a Nice Guy who's fallen victim to the System. I'm also arguing that Nice Guys are just Creeps who have yet to grow the balls to do it properly. But mostly I'm staring at my own reflection in a text to the Evening Standard.

2 comments:

  1. Anonymous9/12/10 23:34

    The Gods send clues about this situation frequently.
    Eddie of Iron Maiden.
    Closure of Fitsgeralds Reno/getting kicked out of Fits LV 1990 for "counting cards" after 5 minutes and $20:::Accusation of the innocent.
    WWII's other holocaust:::Unit 731:::tsushogo. Tsushogo was a clue from the Gods illustrating their positioning long before it began. Incidentally, the used it to hurt the Chinese and position against future Japanese sucess by burying their atrocities.
    The Concorde.
    More below::The Gods have created an endless list over the last four+ decades. This Situation is a monster.

    Never forget::The Gods have created positioning to conceal their true intent in each and every dyanmic we see in society.
    We truely live in The Matrix:::There is the way things look and there is the God's REAL reason for doing things.

    Employment charity:::Was W able to do his job as President?
    I suspect there are many frat-boy types who could not or would rather not have studied nor do the work necessary so they gained this "benefit" telepathically. This could have been extended to their professional life as well::In most of these cases they don't have what it takes to do their jobs.
    I think employment charity is FAR more common than people may believe.
    Another example how they tempted people in this manner is the procurement of sexual relations.
    Consistant with The Matrix, the Gods positioned both to these people which gained their confidence. But what they don't know is this behavior actually hurts them::They were offered temptation and they fell for it. And one day, if they are to have a future, they will be punished.
    Keep raping these poor girls. You're going to end up as one in your next life.

    Capitalism is evil because of the exploitative nature, illustrated with this Situation.
    Muslims are correct:::Earning interest is evil.
    Unlike war, which is a temporary period where the citiens incurr evil due to the decisions of the leaders, capitalism by its very nature incurrs evil for those who participate into perpetuity, an "institutional" method of incurring evil for the disfavored who engage in it. Inherant in earning interest is the exploitation of others, capitalizing on assets and exploiting the workforce for profit.
    Understand the destructive nature of this element of evil we call the United States, for it spreads this cancer under the guise of "democracy" throughout the world.
    Look for other institutional evil as related to the United States because as the land of disfavor castoff rejects there will be plenty of examples.

    Examine my examples. They illustrate the God's reverse positioning used to confuse and disceive people who have made big mistakes in past lives.
    I illustrate a certain way to think. If you doubt what I teach, if this is not your time to learn please at least completely understand this way of thinking, because when your time does come you will be able to refer to it and you will begin to see the God's pattern within the context of their positioning.
    Nobody is going to save you. Christianity is a lie. And only through thinking correctly will you have a real chance to begin doing the right things.

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  2. Herman the Bull and Tracey the sheep, transgenic milk containing human protein. The bacteria cheaper than baby food. Attention today, today it's a cow, tomorrow it's you. African Punch and Judy show at half the price, a hundred thousand watch Giant Haystacks in a Bombay fight. Oh the joy, me and Stephen Hawking, we laugh. We missed the sex revolution when we failed the physical.

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